Equal Part Luck & Stupidity

On my way out of the grocery store with my daughter I noticed some splinters in her hand. I dropped everything and went to work extracting five splinters. We were on our way and across the bridge when it hit me. Crap, my two bags of expensive groceries and my purse were left on the sidewalk in front of the store. Hurry back taking a mental inventory of my purse. Credit card, debit card, cash, signed checks to deposit, new cellphone...Speed back to the store and there were my things, waiting for me behind the customer service desk. Lesson learned, put the groceries and purse in the car first. Because I'm less likely to leave my daughter behind. Thank goodness for that one honest person that turned in my stuff.

Lack of Imagination

So you got ahold of my credit card number, congratulations. But seriously, several thousands of dollars at Walmart, is that the best you can come up with?

And Nobody Cares Who You're Friends With On Facebook

So, I went to get dressed the other morning. I picked out an Anthropologie tee that ties at the neck (purchased on clearance, I don't have that kind of a clothes budget!) I went to tie the ties and they were scissored off. So I rounded up the likeliest suspects, ages 5 and 6. It went something like this:

"Does anyone know why the ties were cut off of my shirt?"

"Oh no momma, it wasn't me!" "Me either!"

"Hmm...I wonder if maybe you needed some string and you didn't realize what you were cutting?"

"Yeah that's it momma, we just wanted some string, we didn't know if was your shirt!"

It must have been hard for my darlings to find something string-like, especially considering how the house is covered in heaping piles of yarn, sigh.

Snow Etiquette

Madison Street covered with snow at 8:30pm

I know, I know, this sort of snow is unheard of in Seattle, especially not for 10 days, but just on the off chance that we see snow again, can I can offer a few suggestions?

High heeled boots are a mistake. No one sees you feet under 12 inches of slush. Invest in real shoes.

Put chains on your tires. I might try and help push your car but seriously, if the Metro bus can barely make the hills why take chances in a hatchback?

Your honking is not going to change the fact the car ahead of you is spinning their tires and can't make it up the hill.

If you're running a grocery store, remember that you are essential. Don't close up shop at 8pm due to weather. Especially if there are several people approaching the door and you lock it in their faces after they just trudged 10 block uphill in what feels like loose sand.

Check the Metro bus website to see if your route is canceled, and if someone points out that there are no bus routes serving the neighborhood, then be advised that stubbornly staying at the stop is not going to make a bus appear.

If you go drunken sledding late at night, don't leave two cases of bottles, several broken sleds, a dozen sheets of cardboard, an ironing board and a broken couch strewn all over the street. You are old enough to pick up after yourselves.

That's all, carry on with your cross country skiing, snow sculpture building and other snow-related merriment.

Stoned

My body likes to throw out stones. This time it's from a new place, my kidneys, whee! Not much to say except please maybe not at work next time. Because I really don't want to explain why I am screaming in the bathroom.

Throwing Away & Throwing Up

I have a pocket with a ginormous hole in it. So the smart thing would be to not put $50 in bus tickets in that pocket. Because seriously? I can think of totally fun ways to throw money away. And I don't think I buy the whole Karmic-redistribution-to-needier-people idea.

Also, do you know what gets the vomit smell out of 3 loads of laundry? I didn't either, and it's not just washing repeatedly in hot water and detergent. Because when that hits the dryer it's just hot vomit smell. Plus some things can not be washed out, and this is why I was yelling "Aim for the blankets not the mattress!"

What was I saying? Oh right... it's enzyme cleaner, one of those Oxy-whatever products. Like a charm I tell you.

That is all for now, carry on.

Well Preserved

I went out last night, mainly to just sit by myself and have a drink and ponder my life and just really not interact with anyone. And I got carded as usual.

Waitress: "I would not have guessed, you look so much younger!"
Me: "Yeah, I've been told."

She steps away. A minute later a waiter appears.

Waiter (excitedly): "She told me your age and I just can't believe it, you're older than me? BORN IN 1969!?"
Me: (crap, people are staring.) "Yes." (please go away.)
Waiter: "Can I see your ID? I have to be careful, I got busted for serving someone underage." (Never mind that he's not actually my server and therefore is just doing this for his own entertainment and my discomfort.)
ME: "OK."
Waiter: "Wow, it's true!"
Me: "YES. I. AM. REALLY. OLD."
Waiter (backpeddling): "Well, I didn't mean that, I mean you look good for your age, wow!"
ME: "OK, I get it. Can I get my drink now?"

It was almost as much fun as the time I got high-fived by a Barista for looking so good for my age.

Fate Cookies

I've been laying low. I will draw a name for the contest soon, I swear.

My husband was just away for a week and I did a major toy organizing project and I painted the living room. Dang, I forgot how hard painting is..oops, trim paint on the wall...oops, wall paint on the trim...repeat...repeat...

And now my husband is back in time to take care of everything (I sent him to work for me at school today) while I am taken down hard by an illness that is digestive in nature, and really, I realize that's already TMI, but by day three I am just trying to hold it together.

And my dear daughter is 6 today. I know, how the heck did that happen? She requested Fate Cookies (Fortune Cookies) the other day, and I can't make that happen, not this week. And I am too sick to make cake. And my sweet big girl needs me at school for a special birthday celebration in a couple of hours. Pass the Depends, I'm gonna need 'em.

The Other L-Word

Well, it finally happened. I have two kids in school and one way or another they both caught the hair bugs. So we are under a strict program of hair combing and massive amounts of laundry. I suppose this should be embarrassing? I don't have the energy for shame after rounding up every soft toy, blanket & coat and sealing them in bags.

Steaming Suckpie

Sometimes life is a big old juicy suckpie. It just is. Why isn't really important. And when that's the case and you are absentmindedly wandering along at the Farmer's Market, after rolling out of bed and with no makeup and your hair all shoved in a sloppy ponytail, so not looking like a photo op, you will turn a corner and suddenly find yourself face to face with the Mayor of our fair city, and he will be putting his politician on, and you will be forced to play along.

Mayor: "Hello, how are you doing?"
Me: "Um....OK?"
Mayor: "It's nice to see you."
Me: "Um....thanks."

Mayor: (extends his hand)
Me: (A bag of stinging nettles in one hand and a wriggly four year old in the other.......Oh crap..really? We have to play this? Sigh. Tucks nettles in armpit. Shakes hand. Makes quick exit.)

Minding My Own Business

Sometimes when life is so extremely hectic and you are too busy to do things like go to knitting night and you keep pushing to get things done...That's when someone rear-ends you so that you'll stop and say, wow, now I really need to stop and rest and take care of myself. And you'll be really grateful that your kids weren't in the car, and that you are going to be OK. And then you'll also appreciate painkillers.

Proving I Am An Idiot

Note to self:

At the conclusion of an unfriendly phone conversation on your headset, even if you heard a click, remember to verify that the other caller has in fact hung up before muttering about their rudeness, because when they respond to your remark and you then play it like you meant to say that to them, well, that's just stupid.

Not that I would know or anything, ahem.